The last 7 days for me have been a bit tough emotionally, so after some soul searching, I’ve decided (on day eight) to fess up and put it out there for all of you. For most of the weekend I’ve been feeling pretty freakin low, and today (Monday) I turned on my Netbook for the first time since Friday night. One of the first things I did was email wollywally, because I had missed a call from her at some point over the last couple of days. I just wanted to tell her that I was sorry I missed her call and to let her know that I’ve had my phone on silent & been sleeping alot cos I’ve been feeling like crap … and what do you think her response was? “Maybe you need to write about it luv, you did this before and you felt better, maybe this is your way of healing that works for you?!” Then she told me the force was strong in me, and said “Fear is the path to the dark side, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering”- OK that last part didn’t really happen – but I do call her my Jedi Master, so I just ran with it a bit.
Aanyway, I realized what I’ve been doing all week - resisting my instinct to write about something that had a significant impact on me, was somehow being untrue to myself and the premise of Get Real. I guess one of the main reasons I haven’t written about it was because I thought (hoped) it would blow over & honestly, another reason was because a guy I had recently met, that I was planning to go on a date with, has been reading Get Real, and I didn’t want him to read about this. But I can’t do that, the blog is me, it’s who I am, I can’t let who reads it affect what I’m writing about or how I express myself. I think wollywally is 100% right, writing about how I feel is part of the way I heal myself, so I have to keep doing it regardless, and maybe if I had written about it last week and ‘purged’ it, I would be feeling differently now?
So here goes : Last Sunday I saw D ….. that may not mean very much to some of you – you can get some background HERE. I didn’t see him on purpose, it was completely by accident, we didn’t even speak, because (thank god) John saw him first, and gave me a heads up that he had just walked into the bar we were in. That’s literally what John said “Steph heads up D’s just walked in” – unluckily D and I have mutual friends – luckily my brother is well aware of my feelings and that I do not want to come face to face with D. So what did I do? I was totally brave, I saw him from a distance, grabbed my bag and left, I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I just left. My world did that slow mo, disjointed thing & my brain wouldn’t work properly, it momentarily short circuited. I managed to pull it together enough to use my phone, I called Lamia while I was walking home and I sobtalked : talking and sobbing in that incoherent way that girls do, but your friend understands every word you’re saying – yeah you know it.
Among other things, I said to her “I was just starting to feel like I was over him, and now seeing him, nearly having to face him, has dredged it all up, I feel sick”– she said “it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s the first time you’ve seen him in 6 months, it’s just the shock of it, you weren’t expecting it – I think it will help you to move on now” – that sounded perfectly reasonable, yep I thought, let’s go with that. But every day last week I woke up with that feeling, that fucked feeling of still loving someone who is no longer in your life and who will definitely never be in your life again, that empty unresolved feeling of missing someone – a void that feels like it can’t be filled.
I really thought about postponing my date, I said to John earlier in the week that I felt like the date had been tainted by seeing D, by the dredged up feelings. John said “Just go”, so I did, and I tried really hard to put those feelings aside, and I did. I actually had a really good time on the date, he was cute, dinner was great, I felt comfortable with him, conversation flowed, and we got drunk and sang karaoke which was a lot of fun – and believe me, singing karaoke is not something I would normally do under any circumstance! During the date, D didn’t cross my mind at all.
Which brings me to my dilemma – after the date, I ended up thinking about D a lot this weekend, this time last year we went away for the weekend together, his gift to me for my 40th Birthday, so maybe that contributed to my feelings this weekend. But crossing paths last weekend was definitely the catalyst – it just brought it all bubbling to the surface again, I miss what I had with him, I miss having someone who knows me, someone who gets me, someone who makes me laugh and makes me think – someone who calls me babe, someone who will just come over, curl up on the lounge with me and say everything, without saying anything. Is that too much to ask? really?
So for the last couple of days I have been thinking about Man Ban and the intent behind it, which was that I needed time to clear my head & to regroup emotionally, cos I’m not sure I have the energy and emotional stamina it takes to get to that point with someone new … but right now that closeness with someone is what I want, it’s what I really really want. And I’ve also been thinking about how I felt 9 days ago … I’m pretty sure I only agreed to go on a date with someone cos I felt like I had gotten past my feelings for D – so, is all of this just a momentary lapse of reason?
Tonight (Monday) I had calls from two significant men in my life : Damien my Best Gay Friend, who said “write about it” (I had already started) and Mikey my Best Guy Friend who lives in Melbourne and claims to have a ‘Steph Sense’ as in, he can feel it when there’s something wrong with me, and he calls. Well his ‘Steph Sense’ was spot on tonight – we had a nice chat about love and other bruises (his and mine). Mikey & I have known each other for about 12 years I think, so he doesn’t beat around the bush with me, he asked me the question that no one else has asked me … “you still love him don’t you?” … and without any thought at all, the answer just popped out …“yes”.
If I do still love D then when the fuck is it going to stop? Would my feelings this weekend have been different hadn’t had the close encounter last weekend? Am I not ready to meet someone new? How will I know when I’m ready? Put up your hand if you think I need a visit with Therapist.
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Hey Steph,
Read this post earlier in the week and wanted to post, but it was hitting very close to home so I needed to take a few days and process how I was feeling first.
I am going through the same range of feelings as you over my ex. You’ll have days when you’ll feel fine over the whole situation, then other days (like the day you saw D) where you’ll feel like you’re about to collapse in a heap.
My hope for you is that you have more fine days than the latter and start to feel better about the whole situation. And hopefully I will too xx
AJ thanks hunny … I hope the same for you … it does get better (I know this from experience) but geez it’s hard every time xoxo
very brave post. hope it helped you feel better.
TRS,
What wonderful group of supportive comments.
When our rock (you) shakes, we are all feeling the tremors.
Like Rowe, I hope life has improved in the last couple of days.
Steph, I hope this purge has helped you. I’m a walking disaster when it comes to love and other bruises. At present, I’m happily single and would like to stay that way for as long as possible. I have no answers or any ‘advice’ to give you. I hope you are stronger today than when you wrote this two days ago. Time does heal all wounds, perhaps it’s simply a matter of you need more time to heal and that is why you saw D – to let you know exactly how you are feeling, deep below the surface – therefore you just need more time? As you said to Fender “it’s definitely in the past”, at least you know what you don’t want back in your life. Keep being as strong and as brave as you are. Luv and hugs. Oh, yeah, the holiday seasons always seem to be the worst for broken hearts, right?
Steph you are so brave putting your feelings and thoughts out there in the world like this. There is some wonderful advice here and I think what Jodi said about Charli getting to adulthood and that leaving a space to be filled is really insightful and spot on.
BUT as great and caring as the comments are, I don’t think anything can take the place of working through what you’re feeling with your therapist. Otherwise it all goes round and round and round inside your head and leaves you feeling…well probably like you are feeling right now – like it is a permanent state of despair.
PLEASE GO SEE YOUR THERAPIST!
xoxoxoxo
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote
“Thou art to me a delicious torment”
and
“Somewhere there’s someone who dreams of your smile…”
Hugs to you Steph xx
Steph, I had to think before I made my comment on here, it seems as if you know you own mind on this and that the sighting was only a glitch, but a very painful one for you. You are awesome to the power of amazing (a TRS phrase which has crept into my vocab) in the way you handled this, by not making contact then going out and having a great time, everyone wants to have that special someone but even the best relationships are not perfect, hang in there and know you have support from so many around you. X
I had another thought about this Steph, the years when I have been on my own were not the happiest years I have had but they were the ones when I achieved the most. You are achieving ths blog, and probably other things in your life as well. Enjoy!
No advice from me Steph, just a virtual hug. Be especially kind to yourself while you are feeling so fragile, and I hope smiles come your way soon.
xx
Hi Steph,
Have been reading a bit and now finally commenting.
It seems it is only about 8 months since you split – that is not very long at all. Especially if the connection was strong. Sounds also like you may have been friends for a long time before? – so when you split you lost a partner but also a friend. Losing a friend is harder I think – that takes alot of you as they know you so well. So give your self time, as long you need, and maybe focus on getting “past” him rather than “over” him.
I had a difficult break up 12 years ago – and while I am well past it – I would still hate to physically run into him. I think I would be physically ill.
Be kind to yourself xx
So glad you’ve started commenting ! You are 100% right … and I will get ‘past’ him … I know it xx
As the lovelorn spinster of this parish, I feel I can add little to some of the excellent advice that has already been offered here Steph.
Grief when we lose a loved one is one of the hardest things we deal with in our lives and knows no time limit. It appears you are still feeling the loss of your relationship with D, and that’s OK. As trite as it sounds, things will get better with time. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings as it is impossible not to. No one can be happy all the time and sometimes life’s just shitty! Remember you have a great life full of fab people though, and try not to stay “down” too long.
Sending lots of love your way, x
you are lovely Weeze! I have been mulling over what to say all afternoon. Nothing I thought came out right.
your heart was full with D. It will take a special kind of love to fill it up again. That takes a special person and a lot of time. You are just looking for that person right now. I know you will find them.
Just take time outs sometimes so you don’t get overwhelmed, but don’t stop looking for them! Looking is the fun bit! xoxox
I’ve also been mulling over what to say.
I just had a phonecall with a friend who has to let someone go and right now I am just offering my support. It was easier to give my friend advice because her situation is different and I know her better.
Maybe ask yourself what you want right now.
The love in your heart grows… so while you still love him now, it’s ok. There is always room for more (for someone else) because love knows no bounds.
Maybe I’m just naive and don’t know any better…so I’ll stop now and just say that we’re here supporting you *hug*
Whilst I won’t repeat some of the already brilliant advice you’ve already been given by these brilliant ladies, I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you.. I think what you’re going through is perfectly natural.
If I can give any advice though: if you’re thinking about contacting him (even though you say there’s no chance for the two of you), do your best to avoid it. You NEVER feel better for it, even if you feel like that little bit of contact will help. Trust me..
much love x x x
Thanks lovely leigh – there will be no contact – PROMISE – and I just went to write something and the freakin penny dropped – I was going to write “I don’t want him back” – and I don’t – which means it’s more about what I got from him in terms of compatibility and connection than it is about him …
Well I’m glad I could help a little to get you there! X x
Ok, so from what I have read, there was no big ‘Kaboom! It’s over.’ incident. It just kinda happened…… That makes it tough. If you don’t have a clearly defined ‘why’, it makes the letting go harder. That applies to everything in life, not just romance.
Also, is it D himself you miss, or how you felt when you were with him? They are two very different things.
Big hugs to you, there aren’t really any easy answers for this one. Or rather, I don’t have any. You do; maybe stop looking so hard, and you’ll find them…….
xoxo
Rosie – I think the penny is starting to drop for me reading all of these comments – I probably miss how I felt when i was with him … more than I miss him … I want that closeness that connection again …
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”.
But sometimes I guess you need to suffer, and by suffer I mean ‘feel’ – if you didn’t feel and process all the emotional fallout from lifes tough times you’d be an emotional cripple a couple of years down the track. So good on you for getting it out in this form. I couldn’t be that brave! I’m dealing with the demise of my own love story in a much more private way… but therapy is definitely up there for me.
I wish I could have cosied up on the couch with you, a bottle of wine and Jason Statham in Crank – High Voltage (if you and Johnny haven’t seen it you should).
xo
That first sighting is a fuck of a thing. I know when it’s happened to me, it shook me to the core.
I think you know what you want to do Steph, WRT your therapist. Use him/her, that’s what he’s there for.
I wish I had one somedays!
That must have been hard seeing him after so long.. its always hard, never easy.
You will be ok, you know that and you will find love again.. not the same of course but hopefuly better.
Do whats worked or helped in the past.. time heals, if not shopping feels damm good.
Sending good juju your way..
TRS, I did not put the last part, it wasn’t necessary you got it anyway! I will say first how I proud i am of you for putting your feelings and espose your vulnerability on your blog it takes lots of courage, and you got plenty, we all from times to times fell into the trap of the ” little me”, the little love only one person that can makes us happy, only one person that gives meaning to our life,is a big illusion, that’s the ego love, real love is unconditional and loves all, when you understand this, and practiced to love everybody, love will dish you the love of your life, and I wish for you to have this love, love ooxx
WW that is such a beautiful, profound sentiment – I love it!
Thank-you!
OUCH! You think you’re going fine and then whammo!
Not knowing your circumstances with D it’s so hard to give you proper advice but here’s my 2 cents for what it’s worth. I actually believe people are thrown in our paths for a reason (and I wrote about this here recently). There is obviously unfinished business here (for you at least) and you either have to make contact and face your demons or put things to rest once and for all.
Sounds easy in theory I know. Talk to your therapist but also talk to John. I know from what you have written that he loves you and has your best interests at heart.
Please look after yourself friend and if you need a break from blogging to get yourself sorted, please take it. We’ll all still be here when you get back. xxx
Feelings are so strong – they seem to outweigh our intellect every time. They can’t always be trusted though. I have had a few times when i bumped into guys i went out with as a teenager and i had heart palpitations, tripped over my words and discovered myself blushing – this from a woman who is 43, has been with the same guy since I was 19!
I know in my head that i don’t have real feelings for these guys anymore – but that old me, the passionate, romantic, younger me is still very strong and jumps out to surprise me every now and then. The older, still romantic and passionate me recognises these wonderful feelings for what they are – echoes of the past – and happily uses up the strong feelings on my man.
So, I am not writing these things to talk about me – but to give an example. If I have those feelings about young “boys” from over 20 years ago then I can sure as hell imagine how strong those feeling are when you see someone you loved intensely a short while ago.
I think it is quite normal for you to feel like this Steph – the next step after the “feelings” is to go through the “thinking”. You will work it out, I am sure.
Steph, I’m not sure about all the background to your relationship with D, apart from the link you just provided above, but I would assume it ended because the relationship didn’t work out? I assume there were fundamental issues within the relationship that stopped it from progressing?
The thing is: when you put time between yourself and a relationship, it’s easy to remember it in a very different light to what it actually was. The problems seem fewer. The difficult emotions seem not so bad etc. Therefore, when we think back to those relationships, we don’t see them in their “true light”.
I had this relationship once that didn’t work out due to circumstance. Distance was our main issue. It was frustrating, and it took me a long time to let go, because quite frankly, it’s not like it ended up on a bad note. It was more that it just physically and geographically couldn’t happen.
I remember talking to my Mum about it once, and she wrote me a letter in which she said that everything would work out for the best, I just had to have faith. I kind of knew she was right, but at that point, I couldn’t imagine it would get better.
Of course it did. Within a year and a half I’d met Hubby, and now when I look back, I realise that even if distance *hadn’t* been a factor in that past relationship, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
If there’s no chance of you both reuniting (and once again, I don’t know the details), then I believe wholeheartedly that a time will come that everything will fall in to place for you. Don’t forget – your daughter has recently reached adulthood, and even if you don’t think of it this way, this is a huge change in your life. This opens up a door for you, and I believe it’s very normal indeed to want to fill that gap that’s there. You sound ready to commit to someone else now, and perhaps memories of D is the only thing standing in your way.
Apologies for the (very) long comment! Good luck. I wish you all the best x
Jodie, brilliantly put !
Yeah the break up was more ciurcumstantial than anything else … so agree, it makes it harder – maybe that’s why it’s been harder for me to let go! Thanks for the comment Jodie – you make alot of very valid common sense points … esp with regard to Charli reaching adulthood – I hadn’t really factored that at all. MWAH
That was lovely Jodie. xoxox
HANDS UP!!!!!!!!!!!
My friends think I am a little crazy, but, to me, love is a choice and how you deal with your feelings is your CHOICE! They dont just happen to you. Sure some times the choice is easier to curl up in a ball, but the hard choices are the worthwhile ones! The ‘Get over him’ decision. WOW what a relief!
I wish you all the love in the world! You deserve it! And I think writing about it not only helps you heal but helps others too!! Brave girl XX
Hey Andrina ! you’re new aren’t you ?? Welcome – and thanks – I def won’t curl up in a ball but I might mope around for a week or so !! hehe – Therapist here I come !! xx
Yes I am love but I read you everyday!
Thanks for the welcome.
I dont think you need any luck you sound strong and great!
Its just circumstances sometimes. We cant all be invincible all the time??
AX
Hey Steph,
I don’t have any answers but I can give you this
*hug*.
Do you want an easter egg? I’ve got a white Lindt one left : )
Ang xox
Gee Steph,that’s difficult. You say you still love D,but that he’s definitely out of your life, forever. If that IS the case, then I don’t think agonising over lost memories is going to help.However, if there’s a chance that you may hook up again, I’d say try,and see how it goes. If the first scenario is how it is, talk it out with your therapist.They’d be the best person, to point you in the right direction. xoxox
No chance Fender, it’s firmly in the past … and I was feeling ok until I saw him … I think a couple of things that Jodie said were spot on. I’ll work it out … been through worse – but it does help to purge it ! x