What a difference a year makes … or does it?

 

　

I’ve been thinking about writing over the last few months, it’s been a bit of a drip, drip, drip thought – and then I mentioned it to a couple of girlfriends.  We all know the rule : when you say it out loud, it becomes reality – it did, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and then I logged on and opened GetReal, my blog, my baby …. oh, how I loved you so!

It’s a really strange feeling you know, I locked the door and walked away from this blog a year ago … and I honestly never came back. It’s what I do a lot, I walk away from stuff and I don’t look back – self-preservation I guess – over the years I’ve learned what I need to do to protect myself – it’s a very automatic process, amazing how the sub-conscious mind can just take over.

The decision to walk away, even though incredibly fraught at the time (cry? I howled), ended up being the right one.

To say that I was emotionally drained at that point in my life is a massive understatement, my nerves were shot, I was physically exhausted, I was drinking too much, smoking too much, eating too much takeaway, and popping too many xanax.  I was putting some really hard k’s on the clock!

And then there was this … in my personal life I was dealing with what I can probably best define as my own version of ‘mother hell’. I wish I could talk about it I really do, but Charli is unlike me, very private. Suffice to say that it was significant, and no it wasn’t an eating disorder. Much as I try my hardest to fuck up her body image with my fake boobs ‘n all – she has always felt pretty good about the way she looks.

And while that was happening I was still trying to be everything to everyone, and as a result I wasn’t really being much good at anything, especially taking care of myself.

 And then came the straw that broke the camels back, of which we shall never speak again.

I had become way too emotionally invested in this space – I allowed some people I didn’t even know, to hurt me, to change my outlook, to cast a shadow on what I was doing. The blog became tainted for me, and I became cynical, suspicious and very freakin pissed off.

It’s truly amazing how much happens in a year, how much a person can change – I have to say, I’ve made some massive changes in my life - Therapist has never been happier with me.

So, I’ve given the place a little bit of a revamp to reflect where my head’s at.  I love the movie Gone Baby Gone, and when I love a movie I watch it time and again … the quote “We don’t know why people do what they do. Everybody looks out his own window. And everyone’s got their reasons” is from that movie.  

I actually can’t really believe I’m back here tho – I have no plan, I don’t know how often I’ll write,  if I’ll actually keep writing at all … or if anyone will even read anymore.   I’m just gonna look through my own window, you look through yours,  and I guess we’ll find out.

Haters please feel welcome to comment, but just know that it will never be published and I will never see it … someone well and truly has my back - and her skin is way thicker than mine – LTA.