Out for a Spell

I’ve been internet dating on and off for the last 5 years – at a guess, I would say that I’ve been on 40+ internet dates.

I’ve used RSVP, e-Harmony, MyMatch, Adult MatchMaker, Oasis Active & PlentyofFish – I’m familiar with all the platforms, their bullshit marketing spiels, the positives and the pitfalls – I have a theory for each of them, which is mostly around why they don’t work and what type of guy uses each one.

My personal internet dating MO has been pretty much the same over the years. I get super enthusiastic, positive & hopeful, I throw caution to the wind and have a bit of a dating binge. In every instance this leads to disappointment, disillusionment and depression – like a friend once said to me ‘the only reason you keep hitting your head against the wall is because it feels good when you stop’.

When I reach the point of the three D’s I shut down all my dating site profiles and I have a spell – that’s where I’m at right now – having a spell. A little time to regroup and get ready for my next little binge.

So, I got in a cab on Saturday night, cute little Asian cab driver, this is how the conversation went (promise):

Steph : Can you please take me to Pocket Bar

Cabbie : You going out to party?

S: Oh, just meeting a few friends for a quiet drink

C : Girlfriends?

S : Umm, no gay friends

C : You never find boyfriend if you’re always with the gay men (giggles)

S : Have you had me under surveillance?

C : You looking for a boyfriend? You tried internet dating?

S : Yeah I’ve tried internet dating …

C : You’re probably too fussy! (more giggles)

S : Have you had me under surveillance?

C : Girls they look for the Big L … Boys they look for the big S … you got to find somewhere meet in the middle.

S : OK Yoda … what other advice do you have for me?

C : Maybe you should put yourself on eBay! Tell them you donate the money to charity, they think you have a big heart!! (laughs hysterically)

So the cabbie had two strong points … I will never find a man when I’m always hanging out with gay guys … this I already knew, he’s certainly not the first person to tell me that – he was however the first person to tell me that inside 30 seconds of meeting me. The status of gay men in my life is not something that I am not prepared to change.

So am I too fussy? Are my standards too high? Are my expectations out of whack? Am I trying to punch above my weight? I don’t think so …. but maybe – oh my god – maybe.

Here’s the thing – internet dating is back to front. All the things that would normally take time to discover about someone are there in black and white for you to read. So you like their photo, you like what they say about themselves, you engage electronically, an email or two, a phone call… you start to form an concept, you can’t help it …. And it can be a massive let down when you actually meet them. Ticks all the boxes – but doesn’t flick the switch.

When you meet someone naturally, you usually know straight away whether they flick your switch or not … then you gradually find out about them, it can take months to find out all the things that their internet profile will tell you in 2 minutes … but I think what happens when you meet someone naturally is that often ticking those boxes becomes less important.

But in the upside down world of internet dating, you need your boxes ticked first …

So, this is what I do … I use the same criteria each time …

• Between 42 and 47
• Over 5ft 11in
• Lives within 10km of where I live
• Doesn’t smoke
• Doesn’t want any kids (or more kids)
• Slim, Athletic or Average body shape
• Non-religious

Then I check out the photo(s), of course I have to think that they look a bit appealing … but they’re out if they :

• Clearly have no style
• Have their shirt off
• Have bad sunglasses on
• Have jewellery on (except for a watch)
• Are posing with a car or boat
• Are doing an extreme sport
• Have captions for their photo’s

So, that’s my process, I’ll consider anyone that fits the above criteria … do you think I’m too fussy?

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